LOS ANGELES — Los Angeles Lakers’ General Manager Mitch Kupchak announced today that the franchise is in talks with the Memphis Grizzlies to void their 2008 trade for Pau Gasol.
According to sources close to the organization, the Lakers have agreed to let all terms of the trade stand as long as Memphis takes Gasol off their hands and gives back his younger brother, Marc Gasol, who was acquired via draft rights in the initial deal. The Lakers have even agreed to throw in an autographed Kobe Bryant jersey.
“Pau hasn’t been performing the way we would like him to,” Kupchak said. “We’ve always known he’s a bit of a softie—I mean, finesse player—but Marc is putting up bigger numbers this season.”
The younger Gasol is averaging about three more points per game than his older brother. Not only that, but a recent survey in Los Angeles revealed that fans find Marc staggeringly more aesthetically pleasing than Pau. Surveyors noted that he was more “Hollywood” and less “Geico caveman.”
“This is L.A. We want to win and we want to look good doing it,” Lakers’ pretty boy Dwight Howard said. “Pau hasn’t exactly done anything to help our calendar sales.”
Memphis, who is 13-3 this season, reportedly has no interest in the brother swap.
“Turns out Jerry [West] wasn’t screwing with us in ’08 after all,” Memphis General Manager Chris Wallace said. “No way are we giving Marc back now, that was the best salary dump this franchise has ever seen.”
While neither Gasol could be reached for comment, Lakers’ superstar Kobe Bryant spoke out on the matter.
“I love Pau, but he’s got to take off his diaper, put his pull-ups on and put up some numbers,” Bryant said. “I got rid of Mike Brown, I got rid of Phil briefly, though we hugged that one out. Hell, I even tried to get rid of myself in 2007. Kobe calls the shots around here, and Kobe wants another ring.”
Sources close to Pau revealed he is having a rough time emotionally coping with the Lakers’ request. He was recently seen leaving the offices of Metta World Peace’s notorious psychiatrist.
Maybe if Kobe gave up the ball and quit whining like the spoiled brat he is things would run smoother.
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