WASHINGTON — The most likely candidates to be the next Federal Reserve chair are Larry Summers and some chick with nearly 20 years of Fed experience.
The girl – Janet Yellen – appeared to be the leading candidate until last week, when prominent economist Larry Summers emerged as the new frontrunner.
“I’m not surprised,” said former Clinton Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin, who is a close friend of Summers. “I mean, does this Janet lady even have any relevant experience?”
When informed that she is the current Fed vice-chair, Rubin chuckled to himself.
“How about that?” he said.
Although this random biddy has more central banking experience than Summers, her critics have argued that she is too “soft-spoken” and “passive” to be the next Fed chair. In contrast, her critics have described Summers as “robust,” “boisterous” and “potent.”
“There is definitely a ‘whispering campaign’ of sexist remarks,” cried a hysterical Christina Romer, former chair of the Council of Economic Advisers under President Obama. “You can deride her as ‘passive’ all you want, but the fact is that she has more Washington and Fed experience than Ben Bernanke did when he was appointed as Fed chair.”
Janet’s harpies have also complained that much of Summers’s support comes from his membership in an elite group of men who worked under Rubin in the Clinton administration, and have dominated Democratic economic policy-making circles since. These self-titled “Rubin Dudes” are as famous for their matching tattoos as they are for making women who work alongside them feel so excluded that they quit their jobs.
“Oh, it’s definitely a ‘bros before hos’ atmosphere,” said Laura Tyson, a former chair of the Council of Economic Advisers under President Clinton. “You can’t even imagine the dick jokes I had to put up with.”
Though Rubin declined to comment on his tattoo, he remained defensive of his main dude Summers.
“I think some of these crones are a bit touchy because Larry [Summers] said that thing about women being bad at math and science when he was president of Harvard,” said Rubin. “They’ll play that card as long as they can.”
“Rubin said that to you, huh?” said Sheila Bair, former director of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation. “Well, you can tell him ‘Sheila The Bair’ said this: I support Yellen over Summers because of her policy record. She was a strong proponent of regulation well before 2008 and one of the first to warn of the crisis. Summers, on the other hand, pushed for the bank deregulation that caused the crisis. He’s also a paid consultant for Citigroup. Jesus, does anyone even remember why that’s a bad thing to have on your resume?”
When asked to respond to Sheila The Bair’s remarks, Rubin muttered something about the “Federal Reserve chairman.”
“As someone who helped to deregulate Wall Street, Summers is a poor candidate for such a chief economic position,” growled The Bair. “I don’t support Janet Yellen just because she would be the first female Fed chair in history, I support her because she schools Summers six ways to Sunday on policy. I mean Christ, what does a woman have to do to get this job? Wear a strap-on?”