CANADA- The famous failure of the Toronto Maple Leafs has been revealed to be a dirty game.
On Wednesday night, following the Leafs 4-3 defeat to Montreal, Toronto team captain Dion Phaneuf broke the ice by addressing the team’s constant failure to associated press.
“I can’t stand it any longer,” Phanuef raged. “We do not suck. Our scores are rigged by higher powers. Our losing is rigged!”
The team’s general manager, Dave Nonis, confirmed this rumour to be true.
“I’ve been skating around the idea of going public about this for years,” Nonis said in an interview Friday. “It’s true- our game is controlled by the gods of the seasons. We’re always walking on thin ice.”
Nonis went on to explain that the Seasons dictate the team’s losses. For example, he said, in winter time, the team’s abilities are frozen, whereas in spring, they being to bloom.
“Too bad for us we’re usually eliminated by the time spring rolls around,” Nonis added.
When asked for comment, the Seasons politely declined.
The Leafs play next on Saturday at 7pm against Pittsburgh. Captain Phaneuf reported that while his teammates have been putting in an exceptional amount of ice time and mental work to prepare for this game, he still doesn’t feel optimistic about the outcome.
“It’s autumn, after all,” he said. “And the Seasons say that in autumn, the Leafs must fall.”