Four years ago, basketball superstar LeBron James went on national television to announce that he would be leaving his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers to join the Miami Heat the following season. After four seasons with the Heat, during which they reached the NBA Finals four times and won twice, James announced last month he would opt out of his remaining years with Miami and return to free agency. Several teams have met with LeBron, including the Cavaliers.
Newslo has obtained an exclusive document from LeBron intended for Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, detailing the terms of LeBron’s return to the team. Gilbert and LeBron have had a strained relationship since the latter’s departure, with Gilbert penning a fiery screed to Cavaliers fans vowing that the team would win a championship before LeBron and the Heat would. Apparently some type of thaw has occurred, though, as James has signaled his willingness to return, provided Gilbert meets his following demands:
1. Anytime Gilbert meets with James face-to-face, he must wear the tiara and jewelry from the “Pretty Pretty Princess” board game.
2. All correspondence Gilbert sends to James must be written in the Comic Sans font (ilbert’s notorious letter to Cavs fans was written in the much-derided font).
3. Gilbert must attend every Cavs game (home and away) as Moondog, the team’s mascot.
4. Gilbert must break into NBA Commissioner Adam Silver’s office and destroy all footage from the 2013-14 NBA Finals (the San Antonio Spurs beat LeBron’s Heat in five games, in what many call an embarrassing series for the Heat).
5. Gilbert, who also owns the American Hockey League’s Lake Erie Monsters and the Arena Football League’s Cleveland Gladiators, must change both teams’ names to the “LeBrons.”
6. At halftime of every home game, Gilbert (still wearing the Moondog outfit as described in point #3) must attempt the “cinnamon challenge” at center court. Should Gilbert ever succeed, he must then move on to the “saltine challenge,” and ultimately the “gallon challenge.”
7. Gilbert will donate 10 percent of his annual income to scientific efforts to perfect human cloning, in the hopes that one day LeBron can play on a team with four other LeBrons.
8.Anyone who mentions “leg cramps” to LeBron is immediately banned from all Cavs games (James notoriously left Game 1 of the 2014 NBA Finals after suffering leg cramps, causing many to question his dedication and work ethic).
9. The following people are banned from the Quicken Loans Arena: Tim Duncan, Dirk Nowitzki, Gregg Popovich, Erik Spoelstra, Mark Cuban, and Michael Jordan.
10. Once a week, Gilbert will come to LeBron’s home and tend to his two championship rings, two Finals MVP awards, four league MVP awards, and all other accolades he’s acquired since joining the league in 2003.