Legislators Fight to Protect Animals’ Right to Suffer in Private

RALEIGH,N.C. — A handful of “cow-rageous” lawmakers are standing up to “domestic terrorists” who they say have long plagued farm animals by unethically filming their suffering. The resulting videos circulate the Internet in large supply and are an invasion of the animals’ privacy, and also cause financial setbacks for the farms they call home.

“All we are trying to do is protect the animals. Protect them from prying eyes and from having their private moments aired on the you-tubes or what-have-you,” stated one state legislator. “I wouldn’t want someone filming me while I was having my beak burnt off, so why should an animal be treated with any less respect? Having any body part burnt off is a very private moment. Turning it into a scary movie, complete with shaky camera and dramatic sounds, is senselessly inflammatory.”

The farm protection laws, dubbed the “ag-gag,” ban the recording of footage in and around farms, and are currently in effect in 7 states and proposed in 12 more, North Carolina included.

“My immediate reaction was, ‘how can this be allowed to go on?’ This kind of treatment must be outlawed!,” exclaimed one shocked viewer. “Someone has to stand up for the animals and treat this like the crime that it is.” And now lawmakers are heeding the call.

No strangers to living in constant fear of being secretly filmed during a moment of weakness, the politicians are naturally empathetic to the animals’ plight, some going as far as to condemn the practice as “domestic terrorism,” and dismiss the footage as being presented out of context.

“Maybe that pig wanted to chew the bars of its cage till its gums bled. I see interns chewing cubicle walls all the time—this is America, the animals are free to do whatever they want with their cage,” argued one legislator. “Besides, you don’t hear the animals complaining. We don’t need these tractor chasers piping up on their behalf.”