“Les Miserables” Reviewed by Some Guy Whose Girlfriend Made Him Go See It

So, my girlfriend dragged me to see “Les Miserables,” directed by Tom Hooper, who did “The King’s Speech” (zzzzzzzzzzzzz). I was kind of stoked to see it, though, because I’ve seen the posters and Wolverine and Gladiator are in it, plus that Anne Hathaway chick who showed her tits in a few movies.

Wolverine plays Jean Valjean, this big, strong French guy who has been in jail for, like, 20 years. He breaks his parole and turns his life around, but then Gladiator spends the whole movie chasing him. Anyway, there’s also a chick (Hathaway) who has to become a prostitute to make money to help her daughter (believe me: not as hot as it sounds). Valjean takes care of her daughter, who grows up to be a pretty hot blonde chick (Amanda Seyfried) who falls in love with this guy (Eddie Redmayne). And this girl with big tits (Samantha Barks) loves the guy too, but he loves the blonde chick. Basically, Wolverine and a bunch of people he meets get sucked into a big fight in France, where a group of hipster French guys make their last stand at a street barricade. Oh, and Borat is in it, too.

The movie opens with this epic shot of a huge frickin’ boat, being pulled by all these slave guys, and there’s Wolverine with his head all shaved, and he’s this huge guy and he’s like, “Welcome to the gun show,” and Gladiator is this police guy watching from the wall and he’s all looking like, “I’m Gladiator, bitch”. Pretty cool. I was like, “They’re gonna battle it out, dude!” Then they started singing. I was like, “What the fuck?” Turns out, it’s a musical! An “all sing” musical, like an opera, but with real words and shit. Jesus.

I tried to get up to leave, but my girlfriend made me stay, and I gotta say, I am so glad she did.

Let me tell you: this movie is transplendent as shit.

I totally got that this is a story of love and redemption; ideology and sacrifice; I mean, holy fuck, this movie made me cry, man. I was all, “I’m not gonna cry” and then Anne Hathaway was all, “I dreamed this dream that things would be awesome and they aren’t and now I’m a whore and it sucks ass,” and I lost it. I cried balls, man. And, get this, Tom Hooper had the actors sing live, so it really captures the raw emotion and shit. Oh, and anytime someone starts coughing, watch the fuck out and get the tissues, because you will cry your ass off, because it means they caught “consuption” or “comsumtion” or something like that. Whatever, a lot of people die. “Les Miserables” is sad and uplifting, and Wolverine and Gladiator sing without looking all gay, and Anne Hathaway is even hot until they cut off all of her hair, but I had put her in my spank bank already.

If you see one movie this holiday season, I say rent “Ted,” which is so fucking sick and funny. Then go see “Skyfall,” which kicks so much ass you don’t even know. Then go see “Les Miserables.” Get extra napkins, because you’re gonna cry a lot, but say it’s for the popcorn so you don’t look like a fag.