LGBT Groups Lobby to Save Marriage by Outlawing Divorce

WASHINGTON – Calling it a “threat to traditional marriage and a leading cause of the spiritual decline of America,” leading LGBT groups today gathered on the steps of the U.S. Capital to demand that Congress outlaw divorce among hetero-sexual couples.

“For too long we have been told to look the other way, be tolerant, and accept the inevitable march towards so-called progress while these deviants make a mockery of the sanctity of marriage,” said Cathy Marino-Thomas, Co-President of Marriage Equality USA. “It’s time to say enough is enough! Marriage is sacred! Divorce is an affront to God!”

The groups handed out packets of materials to passing legislators showing that even while 6.8 people per 1,000 are married every year, 3.6 people per 1,000 are separating- meaning between 40-50% of marriages in America end in divorce.

“What part of Til Death Do Us Part do these people not understand?” Asked Marino-Thomas.

“Divorce is becoming an epidemic!” Shouted Thom Reilly, Chair of the Board of Directors for GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation). “The CDC estimates that 872,000 divorces or annulments were undertaken in 2010, an increase of over 30,000 from the year before! What does it say about us as a nation if we allow hetero-sexual couples to treat the vows of marriage as if they were no more than a simple pinky swear?”

The groups were calling on congress to pass a Constitutional Amendment outlawing divorce. “Marriage is under attack by these serial divorcer’s,” said Jimmy LaSalvia, co-founder of GOProud. “We need to codify the sanctity of marriage in law. It’s time for some sort of Defense of Marriage Act!”

Twice-divorced Republican stalwart Newt Gingrich shrugged off the protests, saying “The gays are still in the Honeymoon period with the whole marriage thing. It’ll pass. Get back to me after their spouses are old and flabby and constantly nagging them to flush the toilet and we’ll see if they’re not upgrading to pretty little trophy husbands and wives just like the rest of us.”