Hannity Files for Unemployment Benefits

PALM BEACH, Fla. – According to witnesses, conservative radio personalities Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity—whose shows will soon be dropped from Cumulus Radio—filed for federal unemployment benefits today. Though disguised as a male prostitute and an African American woman, respectively, Limbaugh and Hannity were easily recognized by the workers at their local unemployment offices, who say the pundits “may be talented propagandists, but could use some acting lessons.”

Witnesses say that Limbaugh—the most listened-to radio talk show host in America, with a weekly audience of 15 million—entered the local Palm Beach, Florida unemployment office around 9:15 this morning, wearing a “a silk robe over a leopard print thong, demanding food stamps and his unemployment check.” “Apparently he thought that’s what male prostitute’s wear,” one witness told Newslo. “But I can tell you from personal experience that his version was a gross characterization.”

“After we realized who he was, [Limbaugh] threatened to ‘go all Sandra Fluke’ on us if we didn’t pay up,” Amy Hendricks, a secretary at the office, recounted. “When that didn’t work, he wept and told us he had a drug problem, and needed the money to score.”

In New York, Sean Hannity reportedly attempted a similar ruse, disguising himself as a “single black mother,” complete with a wig and black-face. After being discovered, when workers noticed that “his children” were cabbage-patch dolls, Hannity reportedly explained the outfit by saying that he “didn’t think anyone would believe that a good looking white man like me would need unemployment assistance.”

Limbaugh and Hannity were presumably reacting to news that they will soon be out of work. On Monday, reports surfaced suggesting that Cumulous Radio—the second-largest radio broadcaster in America—will be dropping both Limbaugh and Hannity from its stations due to “failed contract negotiations” with the hosts. Although Limbaugh has publicly suggested that feeding the unemployed makes them lazy, he said that “most unemployed people don’t need the kind of food intake I do, so in my case it’s okay.” Hannity too has criticized the unemployment insurance program in the past (once implying that it was unnecessary because poor people should be able to survive on “beans and rice”). But Hannity explained his behavior by saying that he paid “lots of [his own] hard-earned cash” into the program’s coffers while he was “raking in the millions,” and so felt he deserved to get his money back.

Witnesses say that neither man succeeded in filing for benefits, although they managed to convince everyone in the building that “being out of work in America truly is a nightmare.”

“I mostly felt embarrassed for Rush,” said Ken Hastings, 32, a Palm Beach resident who is currently unemployed and witnessed the encounter. “He’s used to throwing a fit and getting what he wants. In fact, this is probably the first time that acting like a whore hasn’t worked for him.”