Lincoln Memorial to be Painted Completely Green

WASHINGTON – In a final decision coming out of the drama surrounding the vandalism of the Lincoln Memorial on Friday, July 26, National Park Service spokesperson Carol Johnson – who was assigned oversight of the cleaning process of the 86-year-old national monument commemorating the 16th President of the United States – declared: “We’re just going to paint the whole fucking monument green.”

National Park Service officials have consistently worked on the Lincoln Memorial since it was found with green paint splashed onto Lincoln’s right leg and coat frock.  At the beginning of this week, Carol Johnson had announced that the memorial would be cleaned and re-opened to the public on Friday, August 2nd.  Since that announcement, Johnson has endured some frustration with the cleaning process.

“I had no idea that white, Georgia Marble would be this much of an ordeal to clean,” said Johnson, gesturing behind her at a worker dabbing at Lincoln’s stone frock with a moist Kleenex.  “You wouldn’t believe the shit we have to go through to get this paint off without harming the stone.”

The process for cleaning a monument such as the Lincoln Memorial is a very delicate one.  Workers, all with experience working on monuments, begin by using just water.  If this does not work, workers then go through a list of “conservator-approved” products.  Any cleaner that is used must stay on the monument for 24 hours before it’s evaluated for cleaning effectiveness.

“Oh, and by the way,” said Johnson, “this is all overseen by an architectural preservationist.  Fucking mind-numbing.  It would be way more fun to just throw more green paint onto the memorial.”  Johnson then got up and ran toward bewildered workers with a can of paint, shouting: “Green!  Just dump green over the whole thing, guys!”

Asked later why she would choose the color ‘green,’ rather than putting a small coat of ‘white’ paint over the stains – or, perhaps, painting the memorial ‘black,’ Johnson was vehement:

“When is the media going to learn that not everything is about race?!” she exclaimed.  “Sometimes, it’s about money, isn’t it?  Lincoln is on the $5 bill!  There is no greater respect one can pay to capitalism than coating it in the color of U.S. currency!  Has Jiamei Tian taught us nothing?!”