LOS ANGELES — The country’s celebrity gossip magazines held a joint press conference today to announce that Lindsay Lohan has in fact been clinically dead for the past 16 months, a fact which the coalition of pseudo-journalists were “regrettably” very aware of. The role of the paparazzi, however, went much past awareness.
The magazines profiting off of Lohan’s wild behavior were involved in an elaborate “Weekend at Bernie’s”-style scheme in which reporters would physically animate Lohan’s lifeless body, facilitating photo opportunities that would often result in wacky hijinks and laughs for the whole family – including Lohan’s most recent incident, in which she struck a pedestrian in New York City with her car, which the tabloids have revealed was actually driven by Perez Hilton. The editors-in-chief of the magazines defended their actions, claiming that they merely abided by the wishes of Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s mother, who feared she would be broke and obscure without her daughter’s infamy.
“Look, it’s not something we’re proud of,” said Richard Spencer, Editorial Director of Star and OK! magazines. Lohan has been one of the tabloid press’ most significant draws in terms of readership. Spencer claims that if readers had been more observant, noticing things like Lohan’s fingers falling off of her hands in one shot from the latest issue of OK!, perhaps he would not have continued. “Does it really matter, though?” Spencer asked. “No harm, no foul…right?”
The shocked reporters stared back in silence after the announcement, but quickly collected themselves as they hurled a slew of questions directed towards Lohan – who was seated with the editors – regarding how this revelation might affect her future acting career. Lohan, propped into a seated position by an elaborate pulley system, declined to respond to any of the press’ questions.
“Do any of you understand what I just said?” Spencer responded in her stead before continuing in a tone of awe. “She died. She can’t understand what you’re saying. Any speech you’ve heard from her in the last 16 months came from a trained ventriloquist who, I might add, very clearly stood behind her at all hours of every day.”
“Will this affect the promotional schedule for her upcoming role as Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime movie?” asked one reporter after several more minutes of silence.
Lohan’s agent then stepped forward, bent an ear to his deceased client, and stated, “Absolutely not. Everything is going forward as planned. We have every reason to believe it will be Lindsay’s best performance in years.”