Senator Lindsey Graham Says Singing to Sperm Makes Them Human

WASHINGTON – Republican Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina appeared on Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network this week claiming an abortion was wrong because if you sing to your fetus, it must be human. He was on the show to defend his new bill which would outlaw abortion after 20 weeks of pregnancy. He also announced a companion bill which would outlaw all forms of contraception under the rationale that men have been known to sing to their sperm.

“If you’re telling parents to sing to the baby because they understand your voice, should we be aborting a child at the stage of the pregnancy?” asked Graham. “And what about men who sing in the shower? We all know what they’re really doing in there, doesn’t that make those sperms every bit as human as the men themselves?”

Graham explained that just as women can feel a life growing within them, men will often bond with the millions of sperm they carry within their bodies. He said the bonding can come in such forms as a lullaby, playing soothing music to the sperm, or treating the sperm to a relaxing massage. “Why we allow people to murder these sperm is beyond me. It’s cruel, and that’s what it is,” he said. “I don’t want anybody carrying the Republican banner that doesn’t get this. If you don’t get this, then you’re the extremist.”

Graham’s bill outlawing abortion after 20 weeks of pregnancy has picked up abundant support from most of the likely 2016 Republican presidential candidates, including former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, Texas Senator Ted Cruz, and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum.

His companion bill, however, has not been as quick to gain support. “While I appreciate Lindsey’s enthusiasm, and I’m not necessarily against banning contraception, I’m not entirely comfortable with the exact wording of his ‘Singing to Sperm Makes Them Human’ bill,” admitted Senator Rubio. “I was under the impression one needed an egg as well as a sperm to form a human being. But I’m not a doctor, so I’m open to being wrong.”

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