Lindsey Graham to Give Syria Chemical Weapons Until He is Justified in Bombing Them

WASHINGTON — In an effort to gain more concrete justification for US military intervention in Syria, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has unofficially admitted to sending Bashar al-Assad a slew of chemical weapons labeled with the warning, “Do Not Use (Wink).”

Despite pressure from Graham and others in Washington, President Obama has steadfastly refused to employ the use of military force in Syria, but the president said proof that the regime is using chemical weapons would be a “red line” in the intervention discussion. “I’m not sure what a ‘red line’ is,” said Graham, “but I’m pretty sure the nerve gas-tipped warheads I just shipped over there will cross it.”

In an interview Sunday on CBS’s “Face the Nation,” Senator Graham said that without intervention in Syria, the region will “fall into chaos” by the end of the year. “Trust me,” he continued, “we need to bomb them…I’ve sent al-Assad some really atrocious stuff.”

The senator, along with a cohort composed predominantly of Republicans who agree with him, believes the US can significantly “turn the tide” in Syria without “putting boots on the ground.” 

“This would only be done with missiles,” said Graham, with John McCain nodding vociferously behind him. “Honestly, I’d hate to see us move ground troops into Syria. It’s just so much less cool than firing cruise missiles and watching everything blow up.”

The Syrian government under al-Assad has killed over 70,000 people to date in the two-year Civil War, and new allegations are being leveled regarding the regime’s use of sarin, an advanced type of nerve gas strictly outlawed by the Geneva Convention (and by the Chemical Weapons Convention, which Syria never signed). While the “rebels” in Syria—a loose coalition of anti-Assad forces—have made some significant gains, their progress has been stymied by the government’s complete  dominance in the air.

According to Graham and McCain, missile attacks would obliterate Syria’s air supremacy, and “be fucking awesome.”

Another concern voiced by Graham, as he played with a model fighter jet and made explosion noises at his desk, is that, “If we don’t give the rebels the military support they need, then the radical Islamists already arming them will…although I guess if the jihadists gain control we could just bomb them later. But I don’t wanna wait.”

Senator Graham has also said that if Syria does actually use the chemical weapons he supplied to them, “It would be terrible but not the worst thing in the world…I really wanna see those puppies in action.”