HOUSTON – In an effort to prevent future on-campus shootings like the one that injured four people earlier this week, Lone Star College will now require handguns for students wishing to make use of the school’s facilities and services.

The school had been a gun-free zone until the shooting provoked administrators into replacing all forms of student identification with handguns marked with a student ID number. The reasoning provided by David Burnett, PR representative for Students for Concealed Carry, is one that gun rights advocates have frequently echoed in the past.

“Gun-free zones are an open invitation for shooters,” said Burnett in a statement expressing approval of the school’s decision. “And the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a bunch of good guys with guns and hangovers, all discharging their weapons in a panicked frenzy, whether in an enclosed space like a classroom or a busy quad.”

Burnett applauded Lone Star College’s decision to issue handguns in lieu of dining hall passes and library cards.

“The added benefits of an armed student body are self-evident,” said Burnett, “Under this system, no one can steal any books. On the other hand, if some bookworm librarian dipshit gets smart and accuses you of stealing and draws his gun, you got the right to stand your ground and blow that fucker’s brains out. Then, hopefully, some more good guys will join in and, well, you got yourself an old-fashioned shootout.”

“Yeehaw!” added Burnett.

Dr. Steve Head, president of the North Harris campus where the shooting took place, posted a notice on the school’s website outlining the role handguns will now play in the college’s environment. Among the changes are the replacement of all liberal arts breadth requirements with shooting practice and the closing of multiple facilities, including the gym and health center, the latter of which will be reconstituted into a quarantine zone guarded by armed sentries.

“Students who do not adhere to these changes in the Code of Conduct will face action from the Judiciary Office,” the note reads, “which has amended its policies to settle all conflicts between students and/or the college by dueling at dawn.”