Lone Star College Replaces Student Identification with Official Handgun

HOUSTON – In an effort to prevent future on-campus shootings like the one that injured four people earlier this week, Lone Star College will now require handguns for students wishing to make use of the school’s facilities and services.

The school had been a gun-free zone until the shooting provoked administrators into replacing all forms of student identification with handguns marked with a student ID number. The reasoning provided by David Burnett, PR representative for Students for Concealed Carry, is one that gun rights advocates have frequently echoed in the past.

“Gun-free zones are an open invitation for shooters,” said Burnett in a statement expressing approval of the school’s decision. “And the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a bunch of good guys with guns and hangovers, all discharging their weapons in a panicked frenzy, whether in an enclosed space like a classroom or a busy quad.”

Burnett applauded Lone Star College’s decision to issue handguns in lieu of dining hall passes and library cards.

“The added benefits of an armed student body are self-evident,” said Burnett, “Under this system, no one can steal any books. On the other hand, if some bookworm librarian dipshit gets smart and accuses you of stealing and draws his gun, you got the right to stand your ground and blow that fucker’s brains out. Then, hopefully, some more good guys will join in and, well, you got yourself an old-fashioned shootout.”

“Yeehaw!” added Burnett.

Dr. Steve Head, president of the North Harris campus where the shooting took place, posted a notice on the school’s website outlining the role handguns will now play in the college’s environment. Among the changes are the replacement of all liberal arts breadth requirements with shooting practice and the closing of multiple facilities, including the gym and health center, the latter of which will be reconstituted into a quarantine zone guarded by armed sentries.

“Students who do not adhere to these changes in the Code of Conduct will face action from the Judiciary Office,” the note reads, “which has amended its policies to settle all conflicts between students and/or the college by dueling at dawn.”

Show CommentsClose Comments


  • Avatar of Joanne Timpleton
    Joanne Timpleton
    Posted January 25, 2013 at 3:51 pm 0Likes

    This is not funny and goes too far!!!

    • Avatar of TexasSam
      Posted January 25, 2013 at 3:52 pm 0Likes

      @:disqus Its mocking the Texas legislature that is debating a bill that would allow concealed weapons on college campuses. How absurd is that?????? It drives me crazy as a Texan. .

      • Avatar of Joanne Timpleton
        Joanne Timpleton
        Posted January 25, 2013 at 5:18 pm 0Likes

        No way Sam. I don’t believe you. Rick Perry wouldn’t do that.

        • Avatar of Steve Cohen
          Steve Cohen
          Posted January 25, 2013 at 6:13 pm 0Likes

          @Joanne do you read the newspaper? Or do you just search satire websites for your news. Go look at Texas’ gun laws.

  • Avatar of John Stephenson
    John Stephenson
    Posted January 27, 2013 at 6:05 pm 0Likes

    I like this… it hits Texas’ crazy gun laws and that whackjob who wants more guns on college campuses. I’m sure shootouts in classrooms will produce less violence.

Comments are closed.