WASHINGTON — A new Gallup poll has revealed that more than 80% of undecided voters actually think the election is in 2013.
“I had absolutely no idea the presidential election was this year,” said Queens native Robert Masther. “Why do you think I’m still undecided? I was waiting until the election got closer to make a decision.”
After several Internet memes and talk show jokes ridiculed undecided voters for not making a decision so close to election, researchers decided to dig deeper into the minds of the undecided.
They polled 2,000 undecided voters from each state and asked them when they would make a final decision. In a completely unexpected turn of events, more than 80% of the 100,000 respondents said “a few months before the election,” implying that they think the election is in November of 2013.
“At first we thought there was an error in our wording or something,” said Gallup editor-in-chief Frank Newport, “so we followed up with all 100,000 participants and asked them if they knew what day the election was. More than 80% of participants said, ‘Around this time next year.'”
When researchers informed them that the election was actually just days away, 55% said they were not even registered yet, 30% said they would not vote, and 15% said, “No shit.”
White House officials blame the ignorance of undecided voters on the media’s decision to prioritize Big Bird and binder memes instead of issues that really matter, ultimately leaving undecided voters absolutely clueless.