ISLAMABAD – “The streets will run red with blood,” said Malala Yousafzai, the Pakistani girl who was recently nominated, but did not win the Noble Peace Prize. “There will be no mercy till those stupid Norwegians give me that prize.”
Malala, who inspired the world through her non-violent protest against the Taliban’s restrictions on female education, claimed that the Nobel Committee’s decision was “supremely idiotic.” Speaking to reporters on Thursday, she swore bloody destruction of the innocent until someone could adequately explain to her why an organization tasked with removing chemical weapons from Syria could win the award before they had removed any weapons from Syria.
“For the Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons to have won is absurd,” said a beserking Malala. “I got shot in the head for peace for crying out loud.”
Malala remains uncertain of her future plans, and said that, while rampaging has been surprisingly fun and therapeutic, she was not sure if she could do it full time.
“The thing is, I am still committed to the education of women,” Malala explained. “Now I just need to figure out whether to achieve it through making myself into a 70’s style grindhouse anti-hero, or through non-violent resistance.”
While still upset, it seemed that Malala’s temper had subsided after she was told that Al Gore previously won the prize, as well as Henry Kissinger and Le Duc Tho, who were apparently honored for failing to end the Vietnam war.