Man Planning Golf Outing in Trumpistan

Des Moines, IA

While speaking with reporters between calls on Tuesday, telemarketer and Trump supporter Jonathan Diamond declared how much he’s seriously looking forward to seeing America made great again. “I’m seriously looking forward to seeing America made great again,” he said. “Seriously,” he clarified while wiping a bit of foam from the corner of his mouth. “I’m looking forward. It’s gonna be great again!”

His coworkers nearby shielded their headsets from his loud exclamations as he started counting off reasons on his fingers. “Number one,” he said as he held up a thumb, “we got rapists from Mexico coming over and taking our jobs. Number two,” he said as he looked at his index finger, taking a moment to contemplate the point. “Well, I don’t have to tell you how bad things have gotten with O’Bummer,” he said, putting his hand in his pocket. “I mean, they say job growth is up, but we just don’t even going to how much so for the constitution in politics. It’s about negotiation.”

He went on to list things that President Trump will accomplish. “First, he’s going to hire top people to take care of ISIS. Second, he’s going to make sure our brave men and women in uniform have the most luxurious weapons money can buy. Then, after putting those Islamicals in their place, he’s going to name their country after himself and turn all that sand and camel piss into a golf course. Can you imagine how awesome it’s going to be to play golf in Trumpistan? I’m already saving up for the trip!”

When asked exactly when he’s planning his golfing trip to Trumpistan, he clarified. “I know it won’t happen overnight, you gotta go in there, teach people English, teach them about Jesus, teach them to take pride in themselves. I mean, have you seen what those people wear? Those weird, long shirts with no collars? Completely unprofessional, if you ask me. You can’t put a tie on them, you can’t tuck them in. You think I want one of those guys holding my beer or carrying my golf clubs?”

On Trump’s qualifications: “The man’s worth eight billion dollars. Do you know how many commas are in that? Because I sure as hell don’t. And that’s how I know he’s qualified to be president.”

But when asked exactly how Trump is going to lead the country, he explained. “What part of ‘top people’ don’t you understand? Do you need a translator? Someone who speaks American?”