STILLWATER, Minn. — Dr. Marcus Bachmann, husband of Minnesota representative Michelle Bachmann and hyper-masculine embodiment of heterosexuality, shocked the nation today when he announced plans to establish Pray-Today-to-be-Gay, a psychotherapeutic camp that seeks to revert former homosexuals back to the gay lifestyle.
The program, which is already being mockingly referred to as “recruitment,” teaches men and women who have been “cured” through Christian heterosexual conversion therapy that Jesus loves all individuals, regardless of sexual preference. Through extensive group therapy and one-on-one counseling sessions, Dr. Bachmann hopes to convince gays who have been dissuaded from practicing same-sex love to disregard their experiences at religious “ex-gay” camps and to learn to love themselves as God made them.
Predictably, the announcement angered Minnesotan social conservatives, who are praying their hardest against the staff and clients of Pray-Today-to-be-Gay. Pundits nationwide are concerned that these antagonistic actions could spark an escalation of prayers from both sides. Indeed, it is rumored that Dr. Bachmann has already begun hosting prayer circles of his own. The scientific community weighed in by predicting that an exponential increase in prayers would likely have “no effect.”
Representative Bachmann has already called a press conference, in which she is expected to uphold traditional family values by filing for divorce from her husband on the grounds that he has been corrupted by the Evil One.
However, the most saliently affected individuals will be the alumni of Christian “ex-gay” camps, who are reportedly already deeply confused. Having undergone months of therapy, former homosexual Sal Muehler reacted to Dr. Bachmann’s plan saying, “Well, I don’t really know what I like now. Fur coats? Is that gay? To rub up on fur coats?”
“What about hand stuff,” continued Muehler, visibly puzzled, “I mean that’s really the same either way, right? Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll just leave all the pegs and holes out of it. Problem solved.”