Mark Sanford: This Week Has S-U-C-K-E-D for Me

Yeesh! It’s been a craptacular couple of days for the ole’ Sanford and Sons.

As you may have heard, the Republican Party has sent me out to pasture, saying on Wednesday they won’t be putting any money into my campaign. Well, guess what, dipshits? I like being outdoors—woo! I heard what you guys said, that it’s “foolish” for anyone to give me donations. Are you serious?! I’m running against the sister of Stephen Colbert, whose JOB is to be FOOLISH! Yeah, I think I’ll be all right, guys.

If anything, I think a lot of bros out there are going to be able to relate to the Marksman a little bit more. We’ve all been there: You finally find that person in your life who makes you happy, and your wife wants to ruin it for you. But rather than tuck my tail between my legs, break things off with my mistress, and resign after publicly shaming myself, my family and my state, I said, “Nuh uh. That’s not where my tail goes. My tail goes right here.” (You can’t see it but I’m spanking my butt right now.)

Get this bros: outta nowhere, my ex is saying I broke into her home and trespassed because I wanted to watch the Super Bowl with my son. Well, guess what, Jenny? Hell to the yeah I watched the Super Bowl with my son! You think I’m gonna let my blood think I don’t care enough about him to suddenly show up while the game is half over? That’s my blood!

At least I had the decency to try and talk to you when you got back. Maybe we could’ve talked like ADULTS if you hadn’t been so startled when you saw what you assumed to be a man using his cell as a flashlight and trying to break into your house, who turned out to be me using my cell as a flashlight after I had already broken into your house. Real nice parenting there, by the way. What if I wasn’t his dad, but some ego-driven crazy person who acts erratically without regard for others? Yeah, real nice, Jenny.

No matter what though, y’all can’t take away my Argentinian paraíso. Oh my sweet Maria. Seems like only weeks ago that I told my staff I was going for a hike, but instead flew to Buenos Aires, leaving my family to think I might be dead on Father’s Day. That’s the risk you take though when you find your soul mate, your media naranja.

People have yet to ask me but I bet they will, “Marko Yolo, you got any regrets?” My answer to that is “N-O.” No. Looking back isn’t in my nature. It’s not what got me elected governor TWICE, it’s not what led me to finding the greatest woman on earth, and it’s not what the great people of South Carolina deserve.

Sanford 2013, muchachos!