NSA Leaks Mark Zuckerberg’s Internet Activity

PALO ALTO, Calif.—The National Security Agency has leaked embarrassing details of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg’s private Internet activity to the press. This cache of information ranges from mundane emails to a WebMD search for “weeping nipples.”

The suspicious timing suggests this is a retaliatory measure by the agency. Just last week, the tech billionaire personally called President Obama to express his frustration over government spying and hacking measures.

“When our engineers work tirelessly to improve security, we imagine we’re protecting you against criminals, not our own government,” wrote Zuckerberg in a statement.  “Your private personal information should remain just between you, your family, and whomever I choose to sell it to.”

NSA spokesman Grant Bellows characterized Zuckerberg’s internet activity as a varied and troubling look into the influential mogul’s psyche.

“Oh, jeez… What ISN’T in there?” Bellows asked a crowded press conference. “There’s a pistachio ad with the Winklevoss twins. He watches the crap out of that, and secondary bugging confirms he just laughs his ass off—Oh! He also creeps on his old girlfriend Erica Albirght’s Facebook page a lot. Uh—he mainly looks for beach photos. You know—bathing suit pics mostly.”

Bellows also commented on Zuckerberg’s personal correspondence with Napster Cofounder Sean Parker regarding the 2010 film “The Social Network.”

“He toyed with ideas of how to kill Jesse Eisenberg’s career for a while,” said Bellows. “But none of that seemed really necessary after ‘Now You See Me’ was released.”

He then added, “In dozens of emails, Sean Parker’s only real contribution to the correspondence was that he thought the movie should drop the ‘The’ from its title and just be called ‘Social Network.’”

According to documents released by ex-NSA contractor Edward Snowden, the government can sneak into someone’s web browser undetected through a secret program codenamed Quantum. But despite this unfettered access, the agency only released the raw data on the be-hoodied billionaire. The NSA insists that their job is done.

“Now, it will be up to the American people to speculate why Zuckerberg shops exclusively at OldNavy.com or refuses to recognize Canadian independence.”