Max Baucus Confused by Max Baucus

WASHINGTON — In a surprise announcement Tuesday, Max Baucus said that he will be retiring from the Senate after 36 years of service. Baucus is the sixth Senate Democrat to announce that they will not be seeking reelection in 2014.

“I really don’t know what Max Baucus is thinking,” said a befuddled Max Baucus. “All I get from that guy are mixed signals.”

Dick Durbin, who is pushing an Internet sales tax bill that Baucus opposes, said, “He’s a confusing character. I once had to stop him from filibustering his own bill.”

Baucus had indicated on Friday while he was in New York meeting with donors that he would not be retiring and that he has raised over $5 million for reelection.

Asked why he was retiring Baucus said, “I’m retiring?”

Baucus recently expressed some confusion about how US senators retire when he voted with Senate Republicans to block background checks for gun purchases.

“I live in a conservative state and I need their votes to not run for reelection in 2014,” he said, later adding, “Vote for me!”

Despite all vital signs appearing normal, Baucus could not be made to understand that a majority of the country, NRA members, and his party supported the legislation. “The truth is that I haven’t cared for years and that makes it really hard to listen to anyone talk,” Baucus added while staring blankly into the distance.

Baucus has had a long career of confusion, including a well-publicized bare-knuckle boxing match against himself, working with President Bush in 2001 to pass a $1.35 trillion tax cut, dressing a deer in “camos” after being told to field dress it, and calling himself a Democrat.

“Good riddance. That guy won’t be missed,” said Baucus.