Mayor Bloomberg on Suicide Watch After Election

NEW YORK – Reports are coming from City Hall that Michael Bloomberg has been put on suicide watch due to today’s election, which officially marks the end of his tenure as Mayor of New York City. Bloomberg has been mayor for twelve years, and will once again become a civilian in January when the new mayor Democrat Bill de Blasio – takes the helm.

“He has been in denial months,” said one source close to Bloomberg, “and I don’t think any of us really thought this day would come. After persuading the City Council to remove term limits, allowing him to run a third time, he kind of assumed he would pull something else out of the hat to stay in power, but it just didn’t happen this time.”

Others inside the administration were concerned that the mayor was spiraling into depression about how he would fill his time after leaving office. “He’ll have to just live with his $31 billion, 14 houses around the world, and piloting his helicopter and futuristic AgustaWestland AW609 Tiltrotor hybrid helicopter-plane when it comes out,” said a friend with knowledge of Bloomberg’s situation. We’re all extremely worried for him.” Meanwhile, Police Commissioner Ray Kelly went on record as saying that Bloomberg not being on the ballot was “the worst thing to happen to New York City in living memory,” lamenting that “no one stopped and frisked 32oz sodas like Mike did.”

One source did confirm that both Bloomberg and Ray Kelly voted for the current mayor as a write-in candidate, but they were not optimistic about his chances.