NEW YORK – An irate Mayor Bloomberg, stung by the last-minute blockage of his much-touted ban on the sale of large sugary drinks, threatened to appoint convicted “cannibal cop” Gilberto Valle to roam the streets of New York and “look at fat people funny” if his law doesn’t go through.
Bloomberg also said that Valle would mosey into restaurants that would’ve been prevented from selling super-size sodas and give customers ordering these drinks “the evil eye.”
At a hastily convened press conference, Mayor Bloomberg announced, “I might be legally prevented from banning these drinks, but there’s nothing that can stop me from using an ex-officer of the law to enforce it nonetheless.”
Valle, a New York police officer, was convicted of plotting to kill and eat over one hundred women within hours of Justice Milton Tingling Jr. striking down the soda law.
Noting the coincidental timing, the mayor declared that both the judge and the cannibal cop were wrong in what they did. Bloomberg then said, “But by enlisting Valle in this effort, this will be a case of ‘two wrongs making a right.’ “
But New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly came out strongly against Bloomberg’s proposal. “People are already afraid of the police. The last thing we need is an ex-officer patrolling the streets of the city salivating at the prospect of devouring juicy, succulent, obese New Yorkers.”
Bloomberg rejected this criticism, emphasizing that Valle would not actually eat anybody.
“Valle’s defense lawyer claimed he was just fantasizing,” Bloomberg continued. “So walking around and fantasizing about eating fat people will be a dream job for the convicted officer. Of course, the object is to save lives, not end them and savor the bodies’ remains, so if Valle consumes even one New Yorker, the deal is off.”
Mayor Bloomberg ended the press conference by asserting that his vow to cut obesity would not be denied.
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat,” Bloomberg said, immediately drawing a harsh response from PETA, which read, “We are outraged that Mayor Bloomberg sees nothing wrong with a human cannibal skinning a cat.”