Mayoral Candidate Thompson Campaigns as Least Unlikeable

NEW YORK — At a press conference today, Bill Thompson announced that he is hopeful about his chances of becoming the Democratic nominee for New York City mayor, saying that he is  “perhaps not the most likeable candidate, but certainly the least unlikeable.”

“Just look at the people I’m running against,” said Thompson, a former New York City comptroller.  “Bill de Blasio shrugged it off when one of his staffers published a series of inappropriate tweets.  John Liu is unapologetic about the fact that the FBI is investigating his campaign.  Anthony Wiener is an out-of-control narcissist who is unapologetic about everything.  Who needs to pay for negative ads when the other candidates are ruining their campaigns all by themselves?”

Many political pundits agree that Thompson may have an edge if he continues to behave less obnoxiously and criminally than some of the other candidates.  Former Rep. Weiner made headlines again recently when he referred to Republican candidate George McDonald as “grandpa” at a debate sponsored by AARP.  Weiner’s comment followed McDonald’s insistence that Weiner not touch him after Weiner greeted McDonald by tapping him on the chest.

“Really, who can blame him?” said Weiner’s wife Huma Abedin in a conversation she later said she thought was off the record.  “Would you want my husband to touch you?”

McDonald responded to Weiner’s comment by referring to Weiner as a “punk.”  In retaliation, Weiner egged McDonald’s house later that evening.

When asked if he was worried about whether Democratic candidate Christine Quinn – who is definitely not as weird as Weiner – posed a threat to his campaign, Thompson muffled his laughter by pretending to cough into his hand.

“Have you seen her book sales?” said Thompson, referring to the fact that the New York City Council speaker’s memoir only sold a hundred copies in its debut week this summer.  “Not exactly Ms. Popular, huh?  Plus, she has opposed family-friendly paid sick leave.  She might be able to get away with that if she were a man, but no one likes a woman who doesn’t support that stuff.”

Thompson said he does not think public skepticism over his campaign promise not to introduce new taxes will hurt him in the primary.

“Some people have called bullshit on my ‘no new tax’ pledge, but they can’t prove that I’m going to break my promise,” said Thompson.  “You know why?  Because I didn’t sext some woman a picture of my junk with a message about how I want do to her what I’m going to do to the New York City taxpayers once I’m mayor.  So yeah, I think I’m in the clear.”