McCain Offers to Extend Egyptian Aid, ‘As Long as They Let us Bomb Them a Little’

WASHINGTON – Senator John McCain (R-Az.) today said he’s willing to reconsider statements he made earlier this week in which he called for the United States to suspend foreign aid to Egypt. The senator admitted that he was “perhaps jumping the gun” on the issue, and said that he would consider extending aid to the beleaguered nation “if and only if they let us bomb them a little, and promise not to make a big fuss about it.”

Over the weekend, McCain went on “Fox News Sunday” to argue that all US aid to Egypt should be halted immediately, saying that, in his opinion, the recent removal of Egypt’s President Morsi from office “was a coup,” and that “it was the second time in two-and-a-half years that we have seen the military step in. It is a strong indicator of a lack of American leadership and influence.”

Today, speaking from his Capitol Hill offices, the senator amended that viewpoint slightly, saying that it was “less a lack of American leadership and more a lack of American bombs” that was responsible for the Egyptian political turmoil—a difference, McCain said, that was “mostly semantic, since leadership and bombs are basically the same thing, right?”

“What Egypt needs now is a healthy shot of Democracy,” McCain explained. “And the American military’s got the largest stockpile of heat-seeking ‘democracy’ the world has ever seen. But instead we send them money, something that—hello!—we’re a little short on right now.”

Egypt currently receives about $1.5 billion in foreign aid from the United States annually, an amount that Sen. McCain said he’d be “happy to continue paying, as long as the Egyptian people will buck up and endure a few lights rounds of freedom bombing, just to get them on the fast track to representative democracy.”

Unlike Senator McCain, the Obama Administration has been careful to avoid using the word “coup” to describe the events in Egypt, since American law dictates that aid be suspended to any foreign country that suffers a military coup. McCain now says he’ll defy that law and continue the aid program as long as Egypt meets his demands—despite that, as a senator, he has little power over the situation, a fact that the 76-year old seems unable to comprehend.

“Look,” McCain said. “When kids go to the doctor, they get a lollipop. But only after they get their shot. It’s the same thing here. I’ll give you your sweet and tasty aid money, but first you’ve gotta get bombed a little. Sure, it’s unpleasant—but it’s good for you.”

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