McConnell Panders to Undecided Voters by Holding No Opinions

WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) has refused to take a stance on any legislation this session, explaining that he wants to appeal to undecided voters in his upcoming state primary election who “also can’t make up their damn minds about anything.” Most recently, he has refused to weigh in on the Republican move to defund Obamacare by threatening a government shutdown.

“The House and the White House in the end will have to reach some kind of understanding,” said McConnell on the threat to suspend government financing. “I don’t intend to participate in any discussion, publicly or privately, that raises taxes or spends more than current law.”

“Furthermore,” continued McConnell, “I don’t intend to be disturbed from my nap during this week’s discussions of the possible fiscal disaster looming before us. Therefore, I would appreciate it if my colleagues kept their voices down.”

McConnell has been so withdrawn from recent debates that some Democrats have begun referring to him as “the man who isn’t there.” However, other senators have praised his decision to hold no political opinions as smart politics.

“To be an undecided voter at a time when the Democratic and Republican parties are so polarized, you really have to have no idea what’s going on,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.). “If Mitch wants to appeal to these voters, he’s got to prove to them that he doesn’t know what’s going on, either.”

“He’s being a huge asshole about this, but I do understand,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). “In an election year, you don’t want to offend any potential voters by supporting something they oppose, or vice versa. With his primary election a little over a month away, I think his safest bet, politically, would be to stop showing up for work. I’m sure this fiscal cliff thing will just work itself out on its own.”