McDonald’s and VISA Team Up to Rub Low Wages in Workers’ Faces

OAK BROOK, Ill.  — McDonald’s and VISA teamed up this month to distribute the “Practical Money Skills Budget Journal” to McDonald’s employees. The journal provides the restaurant’s low-wage workers with tips on how to stretch their meager paycheck, and also gives the corporate behemoths a chance to laugh in their employees’ faces.

“Times are tough for our employees. We really wanted to show them how they can live on the crumbs we allow to slip through our fingers into their dirty, grubby hands,” said Peter Bensen, McDonald’s executive vice president and chief financial officer. “Then we can giggle through our noses as they try to actually follow our advice.”

The booklet is filled with sage advice. Some noteworthy suggestions include being sure one gets a second job that pays nearly as much as they will make working 35 hours a week at McDonald’s; to not pay any money for child care; to not pay any money to heat their home; and and to only pay $20/month for health insurance.

“It’s important that our employees learn to live frugally, because they’re not getting a raise any time soon,” said McDonald’s US president Jeff Stratton. “We had thought about offering higher wages, but then realized that most of our workers would squander the extra money away on things like iPads and crack, so we decided against it.”

“Plus, people working for a living wage aren’t nearly as funny as really poor people,” he added.

Critics of the journal have pointed out how there isn’t a line item in the journal for food or clothing, a claim refuted by the company who point to the $100 per month budgeted for “other expenses.” “If they want to eat, they can deduct it from that grab-bag category,” explained Bensen. “Sure, they’ll have to give something up in return, like, say, the cost of medical expenses. But that’s their choice. They’re the ones who can’t control their appetite. As for clothing, I don’t see the big deal. We give them uniforms, don’t we?”

Edgardo Navarro, President of McDonald’s Latin America head, defended the journal. “They work at McDonald’s, for Christ’s sake,” he said. “That’s, like, so lame. We felt that this insulting, patronizing, and unrealistic budget was the best way to just totally break their spirits so they’ll shut up and make a few dozen more Big Macs.”