CLEVELAND – McDonald’s has announced that as a reward for his selfless acts in the liberation of three kidnapped women, it will ban hero Charles Ramsey from their chain for life – giving him the gift of not poisoning him with their high cholesterol, high sodium food-like products.
Ramsey contacted authorities after he helped Amanda Berry, one of the three kidnapped hostages, to escape from the house where she had been held captive for ten years. During both the 911 call and in numerous media interviews afterwards, Ramsey made a point of mentioning the seemingly extraneous detail that he had to “put down [his] McDonald’s” in order to respond to the unusual situation. Within hours, McDonald’s tweeted out their congratulations to Ramsey and that they would be in touch. Shortly after, the fast food behemoth expressed their appreciation by barring him from consuming their food at any of their locations the world over.
“Mr. Ramsey performed a noble public service, and as such has merited a reward,” said McDonald’s spokeswoman Nancy Florentine. “We here at McDonald’s feel that Mr. Ramsey is entitled to a life of delicious food with high nutritional value. He will never get that from us. Therefore, as an act of gratitude, we are actively banning him from all of our restaurants around the globe. The world needs Good Samaritans like Mr. Ramsey, and it is our duty to see to it that their lives are not cut short by high cholesterol and hypertension.”
“Mr. Ramsey, your arteries deserve a break today.” added Florentine.
In addition, McDonald’s has offered to help Mr. Ramsey with a makeover of his bedraggled personal appearance. “Sure, we’re not in the grooming and styling business, but you’ve got to start somewhere” Florentine said. Though they only have limited experience with dressing their gallery of advertising characters, they think Ramsey has “a Fry Guy thing going on.”
Both the Cleveland Police Department and Ohio Department of Corrections have also been contacted by McDonald’s, which has offered to feed the alleged abductor – Ariel Castro – for free as punishment for their heinous crimes.