McDonald’s Defends Use of 100% White-Employee Meat in McNuggets

LONDON, Ontario – In order to dispel widespread allegations that its Chicken McNuggets are molded from a “pink goop” substance commonly referred to as mechanically separated chicken, McDonald’s released a behind-the-scenes video documenting the nugget-creation process at one of its plants in Ontario, Canada.

“What’s readily apparent through the factory tour,” said Vickie Constable, a McDonald’s Canada executive, “is that we’re not even using chicken parts. We’re using human remains, mostly from unruly and subversive McDonald’s employees.”

She did help fill in the blanks, though, explaining that “mouthy employees” who participate in wage protests are transferred to holding pens to “beef up” before they’re “put down like dogs” and poached for McNuggets ingredients.

According to Constable, the idea of replacing chicken parts with human scraps came about in 2003, when the company realized it could quiet workers and inject its food with more of an umami tinge. “It was a win-win situation.”

While Constable does admit that the McNugget process is “slightly questionable,” she believes that revealing the truth is a far better option than allowing rumors to linger in customers’ minds.

“Even before this pink goop talk, we had to deal with that baseless story from October,” said Constable, referring to an American Journal of Medicine study which found that more than 50% of a Chicken McNugget’s consistency is fat, blood vessels, nerves, and chicken bone.

“We truly believe we’ve given our customers closure, and it will pay major dividends down the line.”

Starting in 2015, McDonald’s will officially change the name from Chicken McNuggets to Human McNuggets.