Media Celebrates Weekend of No White People Shot in Chicago

CHICAGO- Mayor Rahm Emanuel and the Chicago Police Department received high praises from the media this week after it was reported that no white people were shot in the city over the weekend.

“Crime is down in Chicago. That’s a fact,” Says CPD Superintendent Gary McCarthy. “It’s frustrating for me because the city still has the unfair reputation of being a racked by violence almost to the point of inhabitability. Whereas in reality, this is a perfectly safe place for white people.”

McCarthy has helped the city get a handle on its homicide problem. According to police data, there were 503 murders in Chicago in 2012, but that was down to a mere 415 in 2013. Furthermore, the media were happy to point out that in 2012, nearly 10% of murder victims were white, but this number was down to less than 2% in 2013.

The good news over the weekend was enough to prompt the mayor to speak on the media’s exemplary coverage of the story.

“These numbers are indicative of a city that is on the rebound,” said Emanuel. “It is important for us to acknowledge such news rather than allow it to become so commonplace that we ignore it. Positive media coverage such as this helps us move forward and grow as a city. With effort, and cooperation, we can show the rest of the country that Chicago is a safe pace for whites.”

Most Americans seem to be unaware that most of Chicago’s North Side, as well as the Northwest Side, have a murder rate of only 3.3 per 100,000—a number that is on par with Toronto and lower than in New York City. In neighboring areas like Austin and the South Side, there is a slight increase to around 40 per 100,000. Fortunately these areas can be easily avoided by white people.

“While we are happy to be receiving all this positive media attention, we still have a lot of work to do,” said McCarthy. “Not only is Chicago the most racially segregated city in the country, but there are still a lot of white people who feel uncomfortable living here. We have to work together to solve these problems.”

While the media celebrated the peacefulness of the weekend for whites, some were upset that they allowed a seemingly related story to fall through the cracks. Over the weekend, four non-white people died and 35 were injured in shootings across the city.

“Is that really news?” McCarthy asked. “That’s just a normal weekend, in my book.”