NEW YORK — Fearing that Democratic and Republican leaders will break the trend and reach an agreeable compromise needed to resolve the impending fiscal cliff, competing major news networks have come together to invent an enormous earthbound meteor in order to maintain viewership.
The media believes that the amicable resolution of an issue they’ve infused with dread may potentially create a “fear vacuum,” and have scrambled to come up with a story to fill the void. Much like actual junkies, news junkies can be expected to go through severe withdrawal if they fail to receive daily injections of hyperbolic polemics. Rather than have their viewers go “cold turkey,” the media has instead adopted the role of the humble drug dealer, pushing their consumer base to adapt to higher and higher dosages of pure bullshit.
“We’ve been alternately feeding and feeding off of our audience’s irrational fear for at least a decade,” said news analyst Rick Brimm. “We kind of don’t know how to do anything else.”
Indeed, it only took a few hours to manufacture and distribute a narrative about a meteor the size of Alaska, which will strike Washington and leave a country devoid of leadership into a violent and anarchistic free-for-all.
While this particular news organization has few qualms about feeding its naïve, sheep-like audience a noxious blend of outright lies, it must admit that there is little to no evidence that Washington is even considering a breach of partisanship for the sake of the nation’s wellbeing.