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Newslo Declares War on The Onion-Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press Secretary for Newslo, the site announced a preemptive strike on The Onion after Newslo’s intelligence department discovered The Onion’s plan for an attempted Internet takeover.

FOX’S ‘Some Sei’ Finally Revealed, Found Living Homeless in Chinatown-A 39-year-old homeless man living in the Lower East Side was recently uncovered as the famous Fox News correspondent Some Sei on Tuesday. Mr. Sei sleeps in a large cardboard box and has spray-painted at least fifty statements and theories on the wall behind him.

Mr. Sei said that he was unaware of his role as Fox’s most quoted political pundit, but is glad that “at least people get the truth, the stuff we all know but nobody wants to hear: Obama’s a Nazi-liberal, illegal immigrants caused the recession and 107 members of Congress have ties to the Muslim Brotherhood.”