Merger Will Create ‘Most Patriotic Airline Ever’

FORTWORTH, Tex. — American Airlines and US Airways merged in an $11-billion deal last Thursday, creating what will be the nation’s biggest and most patriotic airline ever.

Thomas W. Horton, chairman of the newly merged, hyper-patriotic airline, told Newslo, “We’re not taking patriotism lightly. Expect big changes.”

Americans interviewed by freewheeling journalists in airports across the country expressed concern that fare hikes and service reductions are inevitable. Addressing such concerns, US Airways chairman W. Douglas Parker asked, “What are you, Nazis? You al-Qaeda?”

Among proposed changes to for the new “super-patriotic” airline are: a mandatory pledge of allegiance, uniforms modeled after Evel Knievel’s American flag jumper, complimentary stop-and-frisks, and the incorporation of drone technology into all planes.

“Imagine the possibilities,” Horton said. “Say you’re flying to Saudi Arabia for a little sun and fun. The government could pay us to make a quick fly over in Yemen, and, bada-bing badda-boom: You’re in Medina in an hour later. Your very patriotic ticket partially funded killing an American citizen who posed an imminent threat to your freedom.”

An excited Parker jumped in, adding, “With the government pitching in on fuel we’ll pass that savings to the customer, who will have some extra spending money in Medina and will be a little more free when they get back home.”