PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. — Every year the crack of the bat and the pop of a fastball into the mitt signal the start of baseball’s spring training, and with it a renewed sense of optimism in fans of the sport nationwide. New York Mets fans, however, are steeling themselves for another season of heartbreak and anguish. Something the organization’s top brass says they are wise to do.
“Oh, they should absolutely be panicked,” said team VP Jeff Wilpon. “We feel the last few seasons have been a disappointment in that our fans have become numb to fourth-place finishes. That kind of vanilla losing does not meet the standard of soul crushing that one expects when they become a Mets fan. They have become accustomed to the kind of tortuous pain that makes you question every aspect of your life. And that, frankly, should be this team’s goal every season.”
“Wait till they see what we have in store for them this year” he added. “They’ll be begging to root for the Cubs.”
Team mascot Mr. Met, his trademark smile now a blank stare of resignation, did not offer comment.
With previous years featuring an upset loss in the playoffs, numerous improbable late-season collapses, and losing hundreds of millions of dollars in a Ponzi scheme, Met fans are excited to see what the new season brings.
“I’ll tell ya one thing,” said one Met fan, identified only as Jerry from Queens, regarding the upcoming humiliation the team will heap upon him, “it better be something special. And I don’t mean a stupid personnel move like releasing [star third baseman David] Wright. I wanna hear that Citi Field is built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Or made completely out of asbestos.”
In an effort to boost ticket sales, the Mets have placed a special emphasis on making the game-day experience more fan-friendly. This year, the organization is offering a discount on paper bags with pre-cut eyeholes and free anti-depressants for every game with five-figure attendance. In addition, they will feature “You’re Not Alone Night,” during which pre-recorded messages from delusional fans of other teams play on the Jumbotron between innings. So far, a Phillies fan explaining how his aging, injury-prone team will win the World Series, and a flop-sweated Yankee fan trying to convince himself that the troika of Andy Pettite, Mariano Rivera, and Derek Jeter will be quality players forever and ever are expected to make an appearance.
The Mets also announced their slogan for the upcoming season: ‘Ya Gotta Bereave!’