Mexican Cartels Offer To Pay For The Border Wall “If It Helps Mr. Trump Get Elected”

The resources of Mexican transnational criminal organizations, also known as cartels, will be seized and used to fund Donald Trump’s border wall if he wins the 2016 presidential election. The wall, which several previously high-trafficked areas of the U.S.-Mexico border already have – whether an actual wall or a several tiered fencing and integrated technological system – has been a controversial issue to pundits and politicians who lack information on the subject.

However, in a surprising turn of events, several representatives of Mexican drug cartels have come forward recently and, after requesting anonymity for understandable reasons, stated that there will be “no need” to seize their funds in order to pay for the Trump Wall, because, as they claimed, “we are more than willing to give the money to Mr. Trump with which to fund construction if that will guarantee his presidency in November’s presidential election.”

“There is no need for any type of confrontation or escalation of violence, especially now that tensions are so high between law enforcement and civilians, American, Mexican, or otherwise,” one of the representatives said in an interview with a Southern Texas local radio station. “There is no need to go through great lengths to come up with the money as our organizations would be more than happy to help Mr. Trump build his wall should he become president.”

Asked to elaborate on the reason behind their surprising and hard-to-believe statements, one of the cartel spokespersons added that his organization is “relying on the good word of future president Donald Trump about the U.S. stopping its meddling in other countries’ business.” “We believe him to be a man of his word, otherwise, how else would he have gotten to the position of a presidential candidate? He must be a very honest and straightforward man if he’s doing the job that he is,” they said.

“Mexico is struggling enough without having the United States interfering in its internal problems constantly, so we’re hoping this gesture of good faith will prompt Mr. Trump to keep his promise and stop America from running Mexico’s government and politicians like puppets on a string,” the spokesman said. When asked what else the cartels stand to gain from such a deal, things got quite interesting.

“Obviously, leaving Mexico alone is one thing, and it’s very important to us,” he said. “The other thing is that we don’t expect to suffer any major losses when it comes to large shipments of our main product into U.S. territory, because smuggling packages via mules through underground beneath-the-border tunnels is a thing of the past. Nowadays we’re doing it with style. That’s why I’d like to sent a message to Mr. Trump, and that message is that he should feel free to build the wall as high as he wants; our private jets can fly pretty high, too.”

“So, he should really go all out with this one, because, who knows if he’ll ever get another chance like this to build something so monumental using someone else’s money. Although, now that I’ve mentioned it, he IS going to be President of the United States, so I guess he’ll be wasting Americans’ money on all kinds of business endeavors. Well, you can’t win ‘em all,” the spokesperson said with a grin.