MGM to Turn All Classic Villains into North Koreans

SHANGHAI — On the heels of the Red Dawn remake, MGM has decided to keep with changing American classic films to raise profits overseas.

In its remake of the 1984 film Red Dawn, currently in theaters, MGM decided to change the villains from the Chinese to the North Koreans in order to sell their film to the lucrative Chinese markets. They did so during post-production by digitally changing the uniforms and flags in the film. In doing so, the studio has been criticized for pandering to overseas markets.

“Is it pandering to say, ‘please, China, buy our movies’?” asked MGM studio head Michael Payne. “The Chinese can decide.”

The changes are not restricted to films concerning fictional conflicts: in an upcoming remake of “From Here to Eternity”, the 1953 Academy Award-winning film that follows the lives of military personnel in Hawaii before the attack on Pearl Harbor, MGM is changing historical fact by making the attackers the North Koreans instead of the Japanese.

“Hey, I’m not one of those sad history guys who goes around, talking bout history, or selling history books from his car trunk,” said Payne. “I’m in show business.”

Also on the remake list is the 1994 American classic, “Forrest Gump.” MGM says they have a few changes already on the list. The Vietnamese, Hurricane Carmen, the bullies, leg braces, the bullet that kills Bubba, Jenny’s abusive father, Dr. Pepper, Jenny’s unnamed disease, bedpans, Curious George, Lt. Dan Taylor’s beard, that fucking feather, and Dorothy Harris will all be changed to North Koreans.

“Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you’re gonna get”, said Payne. “Unless you’re me. I know exactly what I’m getting, and it’s a whole lotta bread from the Chinese.”