Michael Bay Apologizes for Entire Filmography

LOS ANGELES — Film director Michael Bay released a video statement over YouTube today in which he admits to recently watching his entire filmography for the first time and apologizes for his contribution to the cinematic arts.

“Recently, in an interview with the Miami Herald” begins Bay, his face a twisted mask of surprise and bitter recrimination “I apologized for what I felt were some editing errors at the end of my film Armageddon. Afterwards, I was wondering if there were any other oversights I might have missed in my oeuvre. Then it dawned on me: I’ve never actually seen any of my films from start to finish.”

After taking an entire weekend to watch all ten of his directorial features, Bay expressed shock at his penchant for one dimensional characters, ludicrous plotting, implausible and grandiose action set pieces, assaultive soundtracks, and hyper-quick cut editing. “Maybe I should get tested for ADD or something.  Each one of my films – if you can call them that – is louder and more manic than the last.  How does anyone keep track of what’s going on in these things. And why didn’t someone stop me? I mean really, I can’t believe some of the shit I committed to celluloid and sold as entertainment. For this I am truly sorry“

In addition, Bay expressed regret for squandering the chance to collaborate with some of the world’s finest actors, only to force them to stoop to his level. “Look at all the names I’ve worked with: Sean Connery ,Ewan  Macgregor, Scarlett Johansson; A-list actors, Emmy winners, Tony winners, Oscar winners – all of whom I made sully their dignity for a lousy buck. Just three years after he won an Academy Award for Best Actor, I’ve got Nic Cage literally saying the words ‘Zeus’ butthole’. It’s almost enough to make you lose your faith in humanity.”

“It’s like my four MTV Movie Awards mean nothing now,” he said with a shake of the head.

Bay went on to say that he has rededicated himself to his craft: he has scrapped plans to shoot Transformers 4, and says that his next film will be a remake of My Dinner with Andre.