Michael Bloomberg Exploring Alternative Methods for Securing a Fourth Term as Mayor

NEW YORK — Michael Bloomberg is looking into several alternative methods to allow himself to serve as Mayor of New York City for a fourth term, Bloomberg aides revealed today under condition of anonymity. While Bloomberg was able to convince the New York City Council to amend the city’s term limit law and thereby gain a third term as mayor, many close to him believe that he will not be able to convince the Council to give him a second extension. Desperate for another term, the Mayor is now apparently determined to secure his stay in the mayoral office by any means necessary.

“I’ve been assigned to ‘curio research’,” says a Bloomberg aide. It is this aide’s job to scour the flea markets, street side vendors and dumpsters for old, ugly trinkets that could be magic lamps that house a djinn, a mythical wish-granting spirit. If the aide is successful in freeing such a spirit, he is required, as per Bloomberg’s orders, to wish for twenty bucks, to confirm that the djinn can indeed grant wishes. “Then I have to bring it straight back to Bloomberg, so he can wish for a fourth term.”

“Honestly, I’m a little worried for him,” said another aide. “I think he might be going a little funny in the head with this whole fourth term thing, if you ask me.” The aide thought little of Bloomberg’s obsession at first, sometimes catching the mayor standing on the rooftop of City Hall at night, wishing upon a star. However, the obsession soon became a mania, and this particular aide caught the mayor dabbling in bizarre and, frankly, unsavory methods.

“I walked by his office one day, and I thought I heard a squawk, like from a chicken,” the Bloomberg aide said. Upon letting himself into Bloomberg’s office, he then found a few errant feathers flying about, and what looked like three miniscule bloodstains on his suit. He had both of his hands held behind his back, and the aide swore he saw what looked like a butcher’s cleaver behind his back as the mayor forced the aide out of his office.

“He told me he was going over the city budget that morning, but he didn’t fool me,” said the aide. “I know a Santeria ritual when I see one.”