Vatican City- Little more than a week after canonizing six new saints Pope Francis announced plans to put the deceased King of Pop on the fast track to saint hood.
Though the announcement has created a good deal of confusion within the Catholic faith, with many questioning if Michel Jackson had actually even been a Christian, a spokesperson for the Vatican explained, in a letter penned to Rolling Stone magazine, that “Michel Jackson has done more for Catholicism than practically any Saint to have come before him. Before he passed on and was, no doubt, welcomed by the Blessed Father and Son with open arms, he spent a great deal of time advising the Vatican on how to handle the constant flow of child molestation allegations.”
Earlier today, outside the last remaining Sony Records store, the Pope said of the former pop idol, “Mr. Jackson was a good man, a holy man, who, much like those who’ve been called to the priest hood, was often attacked, unfairly, by those who wished to do him harm. It was only through his meticulous instruction that I believe the church has been able to weather the storm brought upon it by kids who couldn’t keep their yaps shut.”
Though initially these statements were though to be fabricated video has since surfaced showing, putatively, Michel Jackson lecturing sundry Priests and Church Officials on the proper ways to deflect questions and to put the accuser on the defense. Namely: by repeatedly calling the accusers ignorant and by feigning a weariness with the accusations themselves. In it he can also be heard explaining to those in the audience that it’s “generally best to focus on poor or sickly kids” since their families are much more likely to take large amounts of cash in exchange for their silence.
When questioned about the video the Pope responded, “I’ve no doubt that Mr. Jackson is up in heaven, moon walking on golden clouds, and grabbing his groin, and enjoying long walks with children who, thankfully, no longer bleed from any of their orifices afterwards.”