Michele Bachmann Aims to Redefine the Word “Muslim”

WOODBURY, Minn. — Michele Bachmann, Minnesota congresswoman and ex-scarecrow, has denied allegations that she and her colleagues have been conducting “a witch hunt” for Muslim Americans. But recent letters from the representative have argued that Muslims in the U.S. government are part of a wide plot involving numerous ordinary Muslim-Americans who wish to “impose Sharia law worldwide.”

Bachmann told Newslo in an exclusive interview, “Everyone knows that the main objective of immigrants escaping totalitarian governments is to reinstall totalitarianism in their new home.” Explaining that she is acutely aware of this threat, she continued, “I am not letting go of my insistence that the Muslim Brotherhood could be infiltrating the U.S. government.”

While researching the Muslim community, Bachmann was stunned to see that the Brotherhood had already infiltrated the dictionary. Appalled at Webster’s Dictionary’s “biased” definition, Rep. Bachmann has made it her top priority to redefine the word. She claims that the current definition of Muslim, “A follower of the Islamic religion,” is too confusing for the average citizen to comprehend.

“By using such complicated and convoluted language, Webster’s must be hiding something,” she told Newslo. Bachmann hopes to unravel this mysterious term and give the public a more accurate description of what American Muslims are truly about.

A few weeks ago Bachmann began brainstorming alternative ways to define the term. She met early success with linking the words “Muslims” and “scary” together. But, unfortunately for Bachmann, the dictionary requires multiple words when defining a noun. So it was back to the drawing board.

By using the complex logic of the transitive property, Bachmann discovered that the real definition of Muslim is “a person who uses terrorism in the pursuit of political aims.” Bachmann decided to inform the American people of the truth by setting out to write the first “Patriot’s Dictionary.”

Until the book goes to print next month, Bachmann will remain resolute in her mission to rid the country of what she calls “those types.” “Common sense has time and time again shown that fear is the best way to protect this country,” says Bachmann. “As Abraham Lincoln famously said, ‘A country divided amongst itself is a great way of gaining political support.’”