WASHINGTON – Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN), the most outspoken congressional member of the Tea Party, announced yesterday that she will not run for reelection in 2014, and confessed that her entire political career—stretching back to her days in the Minnesota State Senate—has been an elaborate piece of “satirical performance art.”
Bachmann explained that she’s spent the last twelve years testing the limits of American credulity. “Years ago, I set out to demonstrate how ridiculous the political world had become,” Bachmann said in a YouTube video announcing her plans to retire at the end of her fourth term. “I believe I have accomplished my goal. I’ve shown that a major American political party will embrace—nay, glorify—a woman dumb enough to say, on the House floor, that ‘there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.’ I actually said those words, and instead of being laughed out of the room, I was reelected to Congress. Twice.”
The political world is reacting to Bachmann’s confession with shock and embarrassment, but the acting world is lauding her as “the greatest thespian of all time.” James Lipton, who has already booked Bachmann to appear on his hit interview show, Inside the Actor’s Studio, confessed that he too was taken in by the ruse. “I once heard Michele Bachmann, speaking about a trip to war-torn Iraq, compare her time in that country to visiting The Mall of America, because ‘there’s marble everywhere… there’s water everywhere.’ Anyone who can utter such nonsense, and do so without breaking character, is a true artist. Bravo, Michele!”
Bachmann says that even she never expected her performance to last this long. “I thought people would have caught on to it many years ago. Back in 2004, I said at an education conference that The Lion King was gay propaganda. When that little gem didn’t destroy my career, I realized I might be able to take this stupid act all the way to the top.”
“Fortunately, I was wrong,” Bachmann continued. “And thank God for that—can you imagine if I’d been elected president?”
Bachmann’s announcement has already had far-reaching consequences. The Republican National Committee has called an emergency meeting of top GOP politicians to “discuss how to proceed, now that [they’ve] tailored [their] entire platform around the ramblings of a fictional, satirical character,” and Politifact has laid off a third of its fact-checkers, saying that “without Bachmann in town, there’ll be significantly less work for us to do.”
Now that she’s revealed the true nature of her political career, Bachmann says she’s relieved and hopeful. “I hope that, in the end, I’ve done some good. I know that my votes—and the influence of my insane ‘ideas’ on the political culture at large—has and will continue to wreak havoc. But hopefully, the next time a politician says something like, ‘The very Founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States,’ the American people will stop and wonder, ‘Is this person for real?’”
18 Comments
Stupid Shit Sexists Say
You’re given The ONION a run for their money with this one.
Irwin B. Platzner
Great satire!!! 🙂 Sharing on The Platzner Post Facebook facebook.com/ThePlatznerPost , and Twitter https://twitter.com/ThePlatznerPost
ViaChicago59
She should have won a Tony an Emmy and an Oscar for the John Wayne Gacy .flap.
Gord
I see you’re full of crap again Alex, it was funny though and I bet the MSM will pick it up and run with your article.
Auldra Napier
How far will the Republican party go with this nonsense. President Obama not going anywhere you anuses!!!,,,!!!
Lori Wash
She can get her own reality show to support her marijuana. What a joke….
Richard Mayo
Really jay?
Alan Mauldin
Has anyone else noticed that you never see her and Andy Kaufman in the same room at the same time?
Michael Musicman Garceau
OH how i WISH this were true!! LMAO!!!!!!!
Bruce Goldberg
ok…this i do not believe…but…i did hear that…her husbands”get the gay out” group was really an improv group…
Paul Zaremski
Oh thank the false god! She is dumber than Sarah Palin…and that’s saying A LOT!
Deejay Kas
WHERE IS THE YOU TUBE VIDEO?
Steven Shepherdson
This is despicable. Treating the American Government which is supposed to move our country forward like some paltry side show art. Everything she ever voted on in legislature should be revoted on with her votes taken out.
Jerry Bierens
LOL
Vince Mahoney
i ve written more than one time on facebook that many of these folks are comedy central characters ; but i am humbled by michelle . . . i think i have a new hero and love !
Patrick Roberts
good riddance, to one dumb azz b1tch.
Jay Harrison
Newslo is the satire, not Michele.
Frederick Springer
Dont believe a word she sayds. Just CYA. So when she isnt re elected she doesnt want to be treated as a monster and be shunned by socity and her social circle, like Bush was.
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