Michigan: Abortion Insurance Rates Based on Hotness

LANSING, Mich. – The Michigan Legislature recently approved a measure that will require women covered under Affordable Care Act insurance plans to purchase additional coverage for abortions unless their lives are in danger. The additional coverage has been deemed “rape insurance” because the legislation stipulates that rates will be based “solely on a woman’s physical appearance.”

Michigan State Senator Gretchen Whitmer called the law “one of the most misogynistic proposals I’ve ever seen in the Michigan Legislature.”

“Lining the pockets of the insurance companies by forcing women to purchase additional policies is bad enough,” continued Whitmer, “but basing the cost of these policies on unquantifiable characteristics such as the curvature of a woman’s body or the perceived perkiness of her breasts is beyond the pale. We are not numbers; we are humans.”

Senate Majority Leader Randy Richardville (R-Monroe), who voted in favor of the legislation, believes that female characteristics are indeed quantifiable.

“More attractive women are more likely to be raped and should thus pay higher insurance premiums,” said Richardville. “On the flip side, of course, rapists have better things to do than to rape homely gals. I think we’d be remiss not to incorporate these facts into the rates, like they do with auto insurance. ”

Richardville went on to admit that neither he nor the legislature possessed actual figures to back up their assertions, but instead went with their “collective gut feelings on rape and such.”

“I’m sure the insurance companies will let the statisticians figure out the number-crunching and come up with a particular atrractiveness quotient for each woman,” continued Richardville. “Weight, height, facial features, breasts—all that good stuff.  I can also see the companies progressively reducing a woman’s premium for each month that she isn’t raped. You know, like a reward.”

Currently, only 3.3% of abortions in Michigan are covered by insurance, and Richardville—a long-time opponent of abortion—doesn’t believe the numbers stand to increase any time soon, especially after the legislation’s passage.

“Listen, if you want to call me or members of the legislature (of which approximately 80% are men) misogynistic, then that’s fine,” said Richardville. “But know this. Women can just as easily fight back for more affordable insurance rates. All they need to do is put on a few pounds and leave the makeup at home.”