Washington, DC-In the wake of last weeks mid-term elections, which put the Republican party in control of both the house and senate, President Obama has embarked on a new strategy to help Democrats regain some of the footing they seem to have lost with the American public, promising that he [Obama] would “fight tooth and nail” to prevent Internet Pornography from being separated into “slow and fast lanes”.
Obama, anent Net Neutrality, said, in a statement released by the White House, “Simply put: No service should be stuck in a ‘slow lane’ because it does not pay a fee. That kind of gate keeping would undermine both the level playing field essential to the Internet’s growth, and an American’s right to please himself in a timely matter without having to resort to still photographs or buying soft core DVD’s from guys in tiny, dirty little shops, with thick mutton chops and three greasy chins.
Though, as expected, Obama’s remarks were met with fierce criticism from his conservative adversaries, with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), the most vehement amongst them, saying: “Net Neutrality is just Obama Care for the Internet. It puts the government in charge of determining Internet pricing, terms of service, and what types of products and services can be delivered. Furthermore,” an irate and red cheeked Cruz added, “if you let the government, with this liberal Adolf running it, control our pornography. Well, they’ll be nothing for us red blooded American’s, who like bland and straight forward, man on top, sixty second humping. I mean geeze, with this black Stalin in the White House it’ll be only acts of faggotry, and transgenders, and leather costumes, and little blond haired, apple cheeked, American boys, being bent over and sodomized by Mooselums! That’s the stuff they like ya know!”
Sen. John Thune (R-SD), who is expected to head the Senate Commerce Committee, also spoke out against the Presidents calls to the FCC to ensure both ‘Net Neutrality’ and the “continuing high quality of Internet pornography”, saying, “The President’s call…would… stifle our nation’s dynamic and robust Internet sector with rules written nearly 80 years ago for plain old telephone service. Now, these rules may have been fine 80 years ago when we as a nation had to worry about corporations creating monopolies, but heck monopoly itself is almost dead. Even kids today would much rather play candy heist and things of that nature than build monopolies. That type of stuff is done, it’s over with, it’s passe. And really if you didn’t work hard enough isn’t just because your lazy? Why should us hardworking American’s not get our porn a little faster than those lazy good for nothings? Hell Obama has already created a criminal welfare state with his Obama Care and now he wants to turn them into chronic masturbaters too. And, now, more than ever, we’ve got to make sure we’re not putting anything into their open hands.”