Mike Bloomberg Suspects City In Need of Spanking, Nap Time

NEW YORK — Mayor Michael Bloomberg, disappointed by the recent veto of his soda ban, held a press conference this week to discuss disciplinary measures he would like to impose on the city. “I specifically told you not to drink so much soda because it keeps you up at night. And you go behind my back and break my rule. No wonder you never go to sleep. I don’t believe in corporal punishment, but this city could use a firm smack of its backside—or a time out. And I’m serious, so wipe that smirk off your face.”

“There will be no more apple juice for the Big Apple,” said Bloomberg, “and if the city keeps acting like a three-year old, I’m confiscating raisins, too.” Bloomberg’s threats are part of a wider effort to convert New York City into a more polite, well-behaved metropolis before the three-term Mayor leaves office. “New York has been behaving like a naughty city. I’ve given it many chances to be good but it continues to forget its manners. It may be a self-esteem issue,” said the Mayor. “That’s why we’re changing the city’s nickname from ‘the city that never sleeps’ to ‘the city that does its chores and goes to bed at a reasonable hour.’”

Among his first resolutions in this overhaul is the introduction of a law that will mandate an afternoon nap for all residents of the five boroughs. “The nap will probably happen between two pm and five. I’ve noticed that’s when the city gets a little bit cranky,” said Mr. Bloomberg.

“A daily nap will help improve your lives,” said the Mayor, addressing New Yorkers, “but that’s just the beginning. I am sick and tired of your rowdiness and rudeness. We’re doing everything we can to make your lives better so this city can live a happy, successful life when it grows up. If that means we have to make some more laws, then so be it.”

The Mayor outlined a list of the proposed ordinances he has planned for the duration of his time in office. These include:

  • No soda, at all, ever
  • No television past 8 pm
  • All New Yorkers’ will make their beds first thing in the morning
  • One healthy snack a day, i.e. celery and peanut butter
  • Daily nap time
  • No R-rated films in the city’s movie theaters
  • Read classic literature for at least half an hour before bedtime
  • New Yorkers must brush and floss for at least 3 minutes after every meal
  • Citywide curfew of 11 pm (in bed, lights out)
  • No talking back
  • No being fresh

The organizations preparing to sue the Mayor in response to these laws include the American Beverage Association, various Primetime and Cable networks, Hollywood, the American Dental Association, the Nightlife Association of America, and the ACLU. When questioned about the reasons behind these draconian measures, Mr. Bloomberg told the press, “Because I said so.”