Millions of Average Americans Vow to Never, Ever Forgive Lance Armstrong

NEW YORK — “I don’t think I can ever forgive him for what he did,” said Bill Souther, a 36-year-old accountant from Queens, NY who once watched some of the ’98 Tour de France. Souther’s condemnation is echoed by millions Americans in the wake of Lance Armstrong’s fall from grace and his taxing Oprah ‘confession.’ The cyclist is now overwhelmingly considered a despicable human being by people who have never even met him from every demographic.

Father Joseph Alduin, a Christian pastor with a small congregation in Tarrytown, New York, was interviewed on Saturday after hearing confessions from parishioners. “What that man did,” said Alduin, “is absolutely reprehensible. I have prayed on the issue for many nights now, but the truth is that in my heart I can never, ever forgive Lance Armstrong.”

“Did you see how much of a douchebag he was in that interview?” Exclaimed Kelly Fields, a nurse from Hoboken, New Jersey. “I’ve never seen someone so utterly and completely reprehensible. Then again, I’ve never actually seen Lance Armstrong.”

James, a three year old, who was interviewed after being stopped on his tricycle, seemed not to understand any of reporters’ questions until they used the phrase, ‘Lance Armstrong doping scandal.’ Upon hearing this, James began crying and yelled, “Bad man! Timeout forever!”

“It was a disgusting act,” said Jarvis Elton, a convicted murderer serving a life term in maximum-security prison in reference to the doping scandal. “Look, I’ve seen some shit, okay, but doping and then lying for so long… I can’t believe I’m locked up here and he’s still free. It’s bullshit.”