Mitt Romney Discovers Buried Golden Tablets Instructing Him to Bomb Iran

WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Sources within the Romney campaign claim that the Republican nominee discovered a pair of golden tablets with instructions for how he should lead the United States. The tablets, which Romney said he found buried in his backyard, reportedly have parables about men marrying each other, a rogue nation with magical weapons, and an evil trickster who wanders through the world forcing people to purchase health insurance.

Arriving in the middle of a heated campaign, this discovery could dramatically change the upcoming election. Though Americans are generally opposed to any military action against Iran, experts believe such a decision could prove popular if endorsed directly by God.

Democrats have pointed out that Romney, who received two graduate degrees from Harvard and grew up in a wealthy family, is already out of touch with ordinary Americans. Being a prophet, they argue, may make him even more unrelatable.

“We talked about how it could help us understand the Romney campaign,” said one senior Obama campaigner, “and this actually might explain just about everything.”

Some already believe the tablets, which only Romney has seen and may decipher, are the basis for a new religion, with Romney as its prophet. When asked about his qualifications for leading a world religion, Romney noted that his time at Bain Capital gave him valuable experience at playing God.

In the meantime, rumors have spread on Capitol Hill that former senator Rick Santorum claims to have found his own pair of divine tablets in his backyard and will announce his discovery in the coming week. When asked if reporters could see the tablets, Santorum responded incredulously, “Of course not – when did America lose faith in its elected prophets?”