Mohammed Morsi Op-Ed: I am a very funny man

I have heard the grumblings and the complaints. I hear people saying, “Oh, Mohammed, you have no sense of humor.” I tell you now: I have a sense of humor, you silly goose.

Many believe that because of the arrest of Bassem Youssef, a vile satirist who revels in fecal jokes, that I haven’t a sense of humor. Wrong. I love jokes. Tell me a joke. I will laugh.

That’s right. Anyone who says otherwise can go straight to prison. Aha! Joking. See? I am a very funny man. My underlings? They say, “Mohammed is always with the funny bone in his pocket.”

I will show you how funny I am: last week, when the US Embassy in Cairo tweeted a clip of Jon Stewart ridiculing me for arresting Youssef, I deleted their Twitter account.  Later I gave it back, because I am merciful as well as practical jokester. But I deleted the tweet about me. Aha! Funny.

Yes, Youssef was arrested. Show me where is my name on the court documents. I did not do this. I love jokesters. An unidentified person is bringing charges against Youssef for insulting me and showing contempt toward Islam. I don’t know who it could be that would be upset about him insulting me. I saw his jokes and said to my underlings, “Go get him. I don’t care what the charges are.” Kidding!

No I’m not.

But seriously folks, you can ask anyone who knows me and they will say I am a very funny man. Just last week I was reading that John Kerry said Washington has “real concerns about the direction Egypt appears to be moving in.” Then he said that Egypt is at a “tipping point.” You can ask anyone who was around me while I was reading that. After I read it, I set the paper down and said to my friend Khairat al Shater, “If I saw John Kerry on a boat, I’d tip it, so he drowns.”

Swear to Allah, I said it, quick-witted as an Egyptian Jon Stewart. I am always joking like that.

Khairat does not have sense of humor. He said, “Ok. I’ll drown him.” Stupid Khairat. He must lighten up.

Maybe that’s what happened. I maybe saw joke by Youssef and said, “If this was five years ago, he’d already be arrested.” But I said it like a joke. Khairat, he doesn’t understand jokes.

Plus you forget we let — I mean, they let Youssef out on bail. So no sniveling, you striped bass. Ha! I like that one. It’s funny in Egypt, because there are no striped bass in Egypt.

Oh, and once I said “Knock, knock.” (Go ahead and respond yourself.) “Giza.” (And here.) “Are you Giza use that?” See?

Maybe this is all lost in translation. Mixed up like gas and alcohol, which don’t mix, right? Gas and alcohol. You know. Gas and alcohol. You don’t get it? You must read more books to keep up with Mr. Morsi.

Maybe now I will sing you a sad song about not eating meat! You can call me Mohammed Morrissey. Ha! I kid. I always kid. Because I am a very funny man. But seriously I must go check on personal investments in China and Qatar now.