New Batch of Molly Cut with Alexander Shulgin’s Remains

MIAMI- The electronic dance music community is in a state of shock after Dada Life fans received a batch of MDMA that was laced with ground-up bits of Alexander Shulgin’s corpse. The famed psychopharmacologist died Tuesday at five o’clock in the afternoon after a sustained battle with liver cancer. He was 88 years old.

“When a dude in a neon penguin costume hands you a powder and tells you to try it, you don’t ask questions,” reported MDMA devotee and accidental cannibal Stu Wong. “Yeah I sorta ate a guy, and that part kinda sucks, but I had an awesome night, made some new friends, and rolled my face off!”

Shulgin’s remains are currently being referred to by the EDM community as “Sasha,” based off the chemist’s lifelong nickname or “that Shulgin.” The drug produces similar effects to ecstasy (also known as Molly): diminished anxiety, a sense of intimacy, euphoria, and the altered perception of space and time. But unlike Molly, “Sasha” seems to bring about a more intense high that lasts twice as long. The effects are mainly due to the fact that Shulgin, known as the Godfather of Ecstasy, discovered, synthesized, and personally tested over 230 psychoactive chemicals. He avoided breaking the law by working on compounds that had not yet been synthesized, and were therefore not illegal. Chemists say that due to his lifelong experiments with drugs, his very DNA causes subjective psychedelic effects.

Users also report having extensive knowledge of psychopharmacological compounds for the duration of the trip, a result of Shulgin’s Ph.D. in biochemistry from Berkley.

“It was dope man. I couldn’t stop dancing or talking about the effects substituted phenethylamines have on the modulation of the monoamine neurotransmitter system” one user said.

The adulteration of Molly has become increasingly more common over the last decade. In fact, the Drug Enforcement Administration claims only 13 percent of the Molly seized in New York state during the last four years actually contained any MDMA. The substances most often found in a sample of Molly were Methylone, MDPV, 4-MEC, 4-MMC, Pentedrone, and MePP.

“Sometimes you go to a concert and you get some Molly, and you’re not positive what’s in it. Whatever. It happens. I’m not gonna let that stop me from having a new life experience,” reported concertgoer Damien Franks. “So if somebody gave me a pill with that old dude’s body in it, yeah, you better believe I’d take it.”

Due to the fact that the chemical is derived from an actual man’s corpse, there is a finite amount of “Sasha” that could ever possibly be in circulation. Demand is already vastly overtaking supply.

“Actually, you have any idea where I can get some?” Franks asked. “I’m going to Ibiza next weekend and don’t want to miss out.”

When asked to comment on the situation, Shulgin’s widow Ann responded, “Sasha spent his entire life creating and writing about drugs so that other curious souls could learn about themselves, could find out what it means to be human. It’s only natural that a bunch of self-obsessed twenty-year-olds snorts his remains on a bathroom counter and then go hump each other for 12 hours. It’s what he would’ve wanted.”