Monsanto Begins Harvesting Farmers

ST. LOUIS, MO — As farmers prepare for the height of corn harvesting season this October, they do so in the midst of alarming new concerns about their crop. The recent streak of farmer disappearances throughout the Midwest is now being linked to a corn variety produced by the oft-maligned agribusiness behemoth Monsanto. Corn variety NK603, it seems, has begun to harvest its farmers.

Victims are typically in the fields alone, and attacks usually take place around dusk. Farmer Billy McGee, one of the few to witness an attack and survive, told reporters, “My co-farmer Taylor was walking in front of me through a cornfield when I noticed something strange. The wind was blowing, but none of the stalks were swaying. As soon as Taylor got a few feet in front of me, I heard a strange rustling and saw one of the bigger stalks grab him by the ear and drag him away screaming. I tried to help, but he was just… gone.”

Concerns about the abnormal levels of Roundup in the herbicide resistant crop and the links emerging between NK306 corn and mammary tumors have proven to be mere distractions next to the real dangers the corn presents. An anonymous source who works for Monsanto gave reporters inside information on the sinister plot.

“The corn is doing exactly what it was designed to do,” said the source, who referred to himself only as Deep Crop. “Monsanto corn is harvesting these farmers, and we are genetically modifying them to do our bidding. That’s right, Monsanto is now engineering its own crop of humans. “

So far, Monsanto executives have declined to comment on the situation, although the rumor is that genetically modified farmers will be available at record low retail prices by next April.