Monsanto Policy Writing Plants Infiltrate Washington

WASHINGTON –  A new plant species capable of writing policy and aggressively lobbying the government has been discovered on Capitol Hill. Beyond the usual spikes and poison sap employed by its botanic brethren, the monsantos-lobybribous, a voracious North American GMO (genetically modified organism)crop, has apparently evolved an entire policy writing department and a lobbying arm, making it capable of flourishing in most adverse regulatory environments.

The plant’s existence came to light when public scrutiny of the newly passed H.R.933—a bill that bars federal courts from stopping the sale or planting of GMO or GE crops, even when they may pose health risks—called its authorship into question. It was initially reported that the policy was produced by Monsanto; however, Newslo has confirmed that an offshoot of the organization was responsible.

“I knew a Monsanto plant was collaborating on H.R. 933, but I didn’t know to take it quite that literally,” said one Capitol Hill insider. “I thought it was just another voracious climber that thrives on bullsh*t here on the hill, but it turned out to be an actual plant.”

Slow moving, adept at laying roots that destabilise power structures, and endlessly adaptable to their surroundings, the plants fit seamlessly into the Washington political landscape.

“It’s too late, we are powerless to stop them now – it’s against the law,” said a concerned legal expert. “At least they aren’t eating people. Yet.”

Buoyed by the success of H.R. 933, the plants have founded their own think tank – Little Shop of Policy(LSoP) and are already inundated with orders. “Policy writing is hard, and about as exciting as watching grass grow. I think many are glad to outsource it to a private firm,” stated the spokes-plant for LSoP. “We are the next step in intelligent design. God created man, Man created us, and now, we are creating the policy.”