More People Relying on Cold, Indifferent Internet to Form Lifelong Relationships

CHICAGO — Research based on a survey of 19,000 people has discovered that a third met their spouses on the Internet, an inhuman matrix of information that cares not for love nor general human emotion.

The study, conducted by Harris Interactive and University of Chicago professor of psychology John Cacioppo, also found that relationships that began online were less likely to end in divorce in comparison to those that started in reality, exposed to the flaws that form like shadows in the daylight of insecurity and excitement when connecting with another creature head on.

“These data suggest that the Internet may be altering the dynamics and outcomes of marriage itself,” Cacioppo wrote in the study’s abstract. “Rather than seeking the warmth of human contact, people are instead becoming much more interested in what’s on your Netflix queue and what Ralph Waldo Emerson quote you chose for your bio, and we’re seeing a lot of success in that.”

However, as the study itself admits in its conflict of interest statement, it was commissioned by the website eHarmony. The dating website paid Harris Interactive $130,000, while Cacioppo is also a member of eHarmony’s Scientific Advisory Board. In addition, former eHarmony researcher Gian Gonzaga once had sex with a computer.

“I think mobile dating is going to be the main driver of [meeting more of our partners online],” said Caitlin Moldvay, a dating industry senior analyst in an interview with USA Today. “This is a reflection of people trying to prioritize their careers and financial obligations with the less appealing idea of finding someone who makes you happy to be alive, so much so that just breathing feels like a gift and simply watching the way their hair blows in the wind looks like magic crafted by a beautiful fate. It’s 2013 and we can’t be expected to spend a lot of time on something like that.”